So, in sudden and increasingly unsurprising news, I’m going to be on TV again.
I’ll be filming tomorrow for Channel 4′s post-news programme 4thought.tv on the topic of non-traditional relationships. I, surprise, surprise, will be talking about non-monogamy with a personal slant towards my own polyamorous situation. Now, I know I’ve asked before, and I don’t for one moment intend to let it be portrayed as if I can speak for all non-monogamous folk(!) (no more than any married person can speak for all marriages, or a single homosexual for all gay relationships..) but if I can address some of the things we feel affect us most prominently, I will.
Once again then, I invite you to use the comments box below (anonymously if you so wish) to flag things you would want me to speak about if the opportunity arises. No promises of course, but I am aware that some of my personal stories will be more common to the community than others, and it’d make sense to draw on the ones that best reflect our mutual experiences.
Of course, you could just post words of encouragement… That’d work too ;)
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Maybe stressing that non monogamy isn’t just for the white middle class? Good luck with it!
I’m not the best visual for that, but noted – thanks! :)
I can’t think of anything in particular that you should bring up, but break a leg lady! :D I know you’ll do well to combat the ignorance and stupidity with facts and Science! <3
ALL the facts. *strokes notebook* Statistical data, omnomnom.. :)
You will be amazing as always. Tell it as it is.
From you, high praise. Thanks Michael :)
The first time I ever saw you, you were on television and you were being amazing to an audience of between 3-4 million people. It’s what you do magnificently. I’ll be thinking of you x
*<3*
I’ve been in a poly relationship with two other guys (M and T) for 7 years. I think the common misconception that frustrates me is that it’s a) all about sex and b) that we must be promiscuous and sleep around. We’re a committed threesome, deeply in love (at the risk of sounding sappy, our relationship wouldn’t be complete if one of us wasn’t in it) and during the time we’ve been together have never had sex with anyone not in our relationship. No one gets left out, we love each other equally. I have a chronic illness (MS) and my guys have supported each other through the worst of my illness when the stress would probably have destroyed one person without that support.
Poly relationships require more hard work, greater trust and open curiosity. But they’re also worth it.
We’re mostly lucky in acceptance from family and friends, but M’s sister told him she didn’t want anything to do with him anymore and they haven’t spoken since. There are some that could never think of telling family, so a third (or more) person becomes the flatmate or a ‘close friend’.
What people don’t understand is the difficult position we get put in with regards healthcare. While you can write wills to make sure no one gets passed over when you die, when you’re sick enough to be hospitalised if you’re not a spouse it’s very difficult to get treated equally as if you were married. Of course, we have civil partnerships now for gay couples and marriage equality could be just around the corner, but there are three of us and two of us could never make a commitment and leave another out like that, and let’s face it, it’s taken us so long to get here what are the chances of poly marriage equality happening in the next 30 years?
So we’re left in limbo where you can say “I’m his partner” but then if the person does the same you end up in a situation where at best they’re not believed and at worse you and your loved ones are suddenly treated like scum, gossiped about, funny looks, etc. It’s hard to imagine being in a position where your loved one is critically ill and you can’t be with them because, in the eyes of the law, you’re not ‘family’. So you can’t be involved in vital decisions or possibly not even see them.
Healthcare in general can be very difficult. I’ve been lucky that I have a very good, open-minded GP who is very understanding and takes it all in stride. She was told out of necessity, but there are others who can’t risk telling theirs even though they would like to and it could probably benefit them. Think also about marriage counselling, where you might have a couple who were married when the 3rd person came in. They may really need all three to go, but marriage counselling is geared up for couples not poly relationships.
Financially, it can work in your favour or it can work against you. I’m disabled, I wouldn’t be entitled to ‘out of work’ benefits with just one of my partners, but I have two, so luckily we still have two good wages coming in. Also, I’m lucky that both of them are in pretty well paid jobs, however, if one of them was to no longer be able to work (especially if they also became chronically ill) it would put is in an incredibly precarious position. 3 mouths to feed and only 1 bringing money in, because neither myself or the other ill person would be able to claim without stating there’s someone they ‘live with as if they were married’ who is earning (to not state it, it would be fraud), but at the same time, they wouldn’t recognise that there’s another dependent/mouth to feed.
I hope this wasn’t too rambly and that you can get something useful out of it.
Just the practicalities, the organising wills, the listing of parents for picking the kids up from school. The fact that I can only drive the company car of th ehusband I am married to. My ‘other’ husband isn’t allowed to have me on the company insurance!
Good luck
Having had a polyamorous relationship (which crashed and burned in quite spectacular public fashion), I feel like I know something that not many other people know, especially among my peers.
When the news broke, there was shock and outrage among my peers. Eyebrows are still raised more than a year later. Yet I see many of them struggle with their more traditional approach to relationships. If my relationships are incompatible with their values, why is their way not working for them either?
In our throw away society, where religion and community play less of a role in most people’s life choices, relationships seem to be becoming more transient. A mortgage is more binding that marriage. To me this seems to be in direct conflict with the traditional approach of someone ‘belonging’ to you. Being another possession that needs to be guarded against theft or loss. Where commitment is ruled by fear and consequence and not by real desire or interest. The values this type of relationship are built on are the catalysts of their demise.
Fear of the consequences of admitting the basic human instinct of finding other people attractive is, in my humble opinion, wasting something that could be shared. People share the things they are passionate about, hobbies, food, sports, music, art, why not the most basic human passion of an interest in other people?
My rather basic philosophy on relationships is, if you’re going to love someone, why not love them in their entirety? I’d rather be in a relationship with 100% of someone, rather than just the pre-watershed relationship-safe version they feel safe enough to expose to an uncompromising partner and the rest of society.
If happiness is the ultimate goal, is it fair to expect one person to deliver everything you need?