Polyamory – Too Much Prejudice?
When it comes to relationship advice I’m not usually surprised to read badly researched nonsense being touted with too much opinion-masquerading-as-data. So when I first read the much ranted about polyamory article on coupledumb I wasn’t particularly surprised or offended. Then I read that they claimed to offer “real relationship advice from real relationship experts” – Um, experts? Oh yes. One of the authors proudly states they are a professional psychotherapist.
Then I began to get ranty.
I commented, pointing out that no study I had seen supported their conculsions and requesting their citations but, while we wait for these mythical citations, lets take a closer look at the piece shall we?
Too much of anything is usually not good for you but, what about if it is love?
As you can see, the piece begins with a clear statement of prejudice. The first two words are “Too much”. Tecnically we call this begging the question. Two words in and you’ve already decided polyamory isn’t healthy. You’ll now go on to use your premise to support itself. In other words – express a prejudice. As I said on Twitter, ‘opinions without data are prejudices’.
It goes on to describe polyamory as “trendy” – which is both dismissive and inaccurate.
The author continues their description claiming that “usually” metamours are aware of each other. Again, inaccurate. When multiple partners aren’t aware of each other that’s cheating not polyamory. You’d hope a a professional psychotherapist “with over 20 years of experience working with marriages” might know that, but alas.
“It is considered a mature, consensual relationship among multiple adults.”
“It is considered”? Certainly not by you. Again, dismissive and biased.
“Polyamory is a lifestyle choice. Unlike homosexuality..”
Heavily debated. No evidence or further justification for that opinion supplied.
Why? If you feel that you can commit to one persona and love them ‘big’ why not love the hell out of one person? Why can’t you create one amazing relationship instead of several nice relationships?
It’s hard to see how anyone could take this ‘advice’ seriously. The automatic assumption that you can’t have several amazing relationships is a screaming logical omission regardless of your opinion.
We have not as a society mastered the art of relationship so the idea that there are some individuals with ability to masterly love multiple people is kind of hard to believe.
Like it’s hard to believe women could have the vote? Or blacks could learn to read? Careful here. Be very careful.
As evidenced by long distance relationships, one can love another with the same intensity as the sun however that is not enough to maintain a relationship.
Wait, what? So suddenly we’re told long distance relationships do not work either? Where the hell did that come from?!
We would argue that the idea that love is all you need in a relationship is immature and shows signs that polyamorous relationships are stuck in an adolescent fantasy.
And I would argue that far from professional advice you are spouting personal predjuces you cannot evidence based on a validation that your lifestyle is the One True Way. I would also strongly argue that this level of dismissal of someone else’s relationship style makes you not fit for psychotherapeutic practise.
A relationship requires friendship, loyalty, fidelity, love and presence.
And there we go. Our ‘conclusion’ based on all our intelligent and adult reasoning: Sorry guys, if you’re not faithful – it’s not a relationship.
You cannot be there for everyone all the time. That’s just science.
You cannot be there for ANYONE all of the time. And don’t use the “s” word. You haven’t earned it.
One of the biggest problems with polyamory is the concept of possessiveness. Individuals in the lifestyle become possessive of one of their lovers and this causes the entire system to go into dysfunction
What?! I mean.. WHAT? Just – this makes no sense. Polyamourous people are less posessive that is why their partners have other partners. I have studies and data and the obvious on my side. I await your evidence. [CITATION NEEDED]
We would argue that possessiveness is a sign of not feeling safe in the relationship. When we feel that we are losing someone we tend to hold tighter. This does not work in a polyamourous relationship.
Agree. Agree. … Then total non sequitur. No explanation as to how this is supposed to follow. Just the statement.
And there we have it. ‘Polyamory doesn’t work, because polyamory doesn’t work’. Wonderful.
“Polyamory – Too Much Love?” – Make that a full stop. You’re not inviting a debate. You’re expressing a prejudice and, given your qualifications and area of practise, I’m seriously considering reporting this to the APA.